How to Cultivate and Grow Your Friendships
Gary Minnick
Midland SDA Church
November 7, 2020
What is a true friend? Sometimes our preoccupation is on having friends. Perhaps we should focus on being a friend.
The definition of a friend has changed in today’s technologically connected world. Today we may think we have many “friends.” (Like on Facebook) It is true: we do enjoy the ability to be informed and to stay current with what is happening in the lives of many of our acquaintances as well as current and former friends and even people we have not met personally whom we call our friends.
In the context of social media, the term “friend” is often used to describe contacts rather than relationships. You have the ability to send your “friends” a message, but this is not the same thing as having a relationship with a person one on one.
Sometimes our preoccupation is on having friends. Perhaps we should focus on being a friend. “Friends are people who make it easier to live the gospel of Jesus Christ.” In this sense, seeking another person’s highest good is the essence of true friendship. It is putting someone else first. It is being strictly honest, loyal, and chaste in every action. Perhaps it is the word commitment that unlocks the real meaning of friendship.
Are you a good friend? Many Christian people wonder what it takes to be a good friend to all who we come in contact with, or how to cultivate lifelong friendships. We have one with a family in Kanas. It’s been gone on since the early 70’s . We know that this is a special friendship we cherish with a thankful heart. As Christians we are often taught the importance of working on our relationship with God, but God also asks us to develop our relationships with one another. John 13:34-35
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”
This one characteristic is to distinguish us from the world. Think about it. How many people do you know that express a love toward you strong enough to give their life? That is certainly a rare thing in this world. The contrast is the world's selfishness and self-seeking. If you were to see the type of love Jesus has for us in a person, you would certainly notice that he or she had something very different. This is the chief form of evangelism that Jesus had in mind. It is easy to find any number of other forms of evangelism that cost much less, but will they know we are truly disciples if we do not pay the price of genuine love? All forms of evangelism must be accompanied with Jesus' love in order to have the recognition that it is from above.
Here are 10 ways that you can be a better friend not only to God, but to others.
(1) Lose the Judgment
Christian people try to see each other with no judgment. It' not always an easy thing to do. I may not always have the expected character that you would want me to have, but I know like Paul, I have to die daily and surrender my will to God and with His help life will be improved. And this also applies to others. This does not mean that you are going to like all of your friend's personalities or choices. However, there is a way to share your opinion without being judgmental. We should try to find out more information about why your friend or friends are making some of those choices. It may offer you or I a greater understanding.
The favorite pastime for many people is judging others. Teacher's pet, employee of the month, or other favorite people, often become the targets of vicious tongues. I guess you would not even have to be in a favored position to have others "bad mouth" you. It is very easy to sit in some type of judgment of those around us if they do not come up to our expectations. Luke 6:37 [ Judging Others ] “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
One of the most often cited verses in which Jesus supposedly tells people not to judge each other is the one in which a woman was caught in adultery. Since it is good to read the story in context, it is reproduced in its entirety here:
Early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people were coming to Him; and He sat down and began to teach them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court, they said to Him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?" They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground. But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. Straightening up, Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more." (John 8:1-11)
As believers we need to remind ourselves that we are always under the looking glass. We have a world of unbelievers who have seen others who claimed much but lived little. They talked more of a godly walk than they displayed. We must be different. We need to have the love of Jesus so completely permeating our life, that we will love other people. We will not doubt their relationship with the Lord, but will ask them about it.
(2) Be Honest
Are you an honest person? Honesty is a very important trait of a good friend. Friends trust each other to help them in difficult situations. Proverbs states that "Honesty guides good people, dishonesty destroys treacherous people," (NLT). Being dishonest destroys our word.
Acts 5: But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession. 2 And he kept back part of the proceeds, his wife also being aware of it, and brought a certain part and laid it at the apostles’ feet. 3 But Peter said, “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and keep back part of the price of the land for yourself? 4 While it remained, was it not your own? And after it was sold, was it not in your own control? Why have you conceived this thing in your heart? You have not lied to men but to God.”
5 Then Ananias, hearing these words, fell down and breathed his last. So great fear came upon all those who heard these things. 6 And the young men arose and wrapped him up, carried him out, and buried him.
7 Now it was about three hours later when his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. 8 And Peter answered her, “Tell me whether you sold the land for so much?”
She said, “Yes, for so much.
9 Then Peter said to her, “How is it that you have agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord? Look, the feet of those who have buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out.” 10 Then immediately she fell down at his feet and breathed her last. And the young men came in and found her dead, and carrying her out, buried her by her husband. 11 So great fear came upon all the church and upon all who heard these things. What a price to pay for not being honest.
Listen
Listening to your others can help you grow closer. Listening is very different from hearing. You need to not only hear what the other person is saying, but you will need to offer feedback and assurance that you actually understand what your friend is saying. Nodding your head and repeating back what he or she is telling you will enhance your communication and make your friend feel better about your relationship.
God wants us to listen to Him. Psalm 34:10,11
10 The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.
11 Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
1 Samuel 3:9 ,10 Therefore Eli said to Samuel, “Go, lie down; and it shall be, if He calls you, that you must say, ‘Speak, Lord, for Your servant hears.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.10 Now the Lord came and stood and called as at other times, “Samuel! Samuel!”
And Samuel answered, “Speak, for Your servant hears
Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance
(Proverbs 1:5 ESV)
Think about a person you would consider wise. Does this person always give their opinion or advice on something? Do they talk too much? Probably not.
The wise person tends to not think of themselves as wise and daily learns from those around them. The wise are not puffed up with knowledge or the desire for those around them to glory in their wisdom. A wise person becomes wise by hearing. They listen more than they talk.
We can all learn from the wise. If you feel like you are lacking in wisdom, then listen to other Godly men or women. Then listen some more and some more. The wise don’t only learn from other wise, but from listening and learning from everyone they hear. Wisdom isn’t giving your opinion. Wisdom is listening and waiting for the right time to speak.
Like Samuel we not only need to listen to God, but to each other. Don’t dominate the conversation with others, but be a willing listener, also sometimes my wife wants to express her concerns but doesn’t expect me to solve any problem. She just wants a sounding board.
(3) Give Rather Than Take
Giving is often better than receiving. Find ways to give to your friends and expect nothing in return. Giving is more than just buying presents. You can give of your time and your support. You can intercede in prayer for your friends. Offer to help with making a meal for a sick person or if possible help someone make a payment that they may be behind on without their knowledge in doing so. Your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Too often people want to be on the receiving end and end up losing the blessings that God wants to give them.
Rom 12:9 Love sincerely. Hate evil. Hold on to what is good.
Love which is not meant or unconditional is not of God. There are those who pretend to love and this can flatter others temporarily or it can further that persons own needs; this type of ‘love’ is not true. Christian love, however, is sincere. It is not a compromise of truth nor does it compromise holiness. Love, to an extent, tolerates sinfulness of others, but at the same time, it despises sin. Love hates what is evil.
Rom. 12:10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another;
The Bible says, “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40). I interpret that to mean that God is paying close attention to how you treat these people in life who are weaker, meeker, and less fortunate than you.
It takes such little effort on our part to make someone feel a little bit more loved, and a little more accepted.
(5) Have Fun
Friends need to have fun with one another. Make sure you are doing things you both like and are laughing together. Just because your desire is fishing, lay down your fishing rod occasional and do their favorite fun thing. That shows that you don’t always need to have things your way. While it is nice to have a friend that supports you in times of trouble, but if all your times are filled with strife then that is what will define your friendship. Make sure you have fun together, too.
Go for a walk together, play a game, or maybe play with the neighbor kids which I enjoy. little children were drawn to Jesus. Have you ever seen a child go to someone who had a sour puss of a look on his or her face? I have not. Why were the children drawn to Jesus? Because children are drawn to friendly people who show an interest and these people smile and laugh.
Jesus Blesses Little Children
Mark 13 Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. 14 But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. 15 Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” 16 And He took them up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them.
Why do we want to be around happy people? They make us feel good.
Proverbs 3:13 Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding;
(6) Learn to Compromise
Compromising is important to keep the happiness in your relationship.
Compromise is a part of daily life -- romantic or otherwise. If you choose not to compromise, it can only lead to dissatisfaction in your relationship. According to research psychologists at Psychology Today, compromising is effective in small doses. And, without it, you could be in for a long, tiring relationship rollercoaster. Take the initiative, make the sacrifice and move on. You’ll spend less time irritated, promising your friends you are officially swearing off guys, and more time feeling happy and enjoying your sweetie.
Everyone
has different interests, likes, and dislikes, and friends do not always agree
with one another. Therefore friends need to learn to compromise with one
another. It doesn’t always have to be your way. As long as it doesn’t go against
your religious beliefs Let the other person feel like they have made a good
decision in there whatever choice. Life is too short to argue and ending up getting
angry and causing broken relationship. Be willing to let others try their
ideas. They may surprise you.
(7) Trust Your Friend
While it is important to be honest and compromise with your friend, it is also important to have trust in your friend. If you always question your friend's motives, you will never open yourself up to developing a close relationship. While trust takes time to develop, let go of your own insecurity once in a while to give your friend the benefit of the doubt.
Philippians 2:1 Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, 2 fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
Luke 16:10
“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and
whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.
(8) Be Supportive. In our churches today, we need to build more discipleship. Apply this in your daily life, home, work place, etc. Be a blessing to others by simply speaking a kind word. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry,..” (James 1:19) As a gift of God, listening gives you better understanding and spiritually allows God (the Holy Spirit) to minister to you. Anything, person, or spirit that divides us must be stopped, ignored, exposed and avoided. It is the work of Satan!
We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. “If you have the gift of prophesying, then prophesy according to your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”
(Romans 12:6-8 NIV) Every gift you have should be a blessing to others. Don’t have clicks. God never attended for this action. It always makes people feel left out. Sometimes a friend just needs a shoulder to cry on or a cheer from the audience. Be supportive of your friends. Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. The Christian life is not a selfish one. As followers of Christ, we must imitate him in all respects, including the way he put the needs of others over his own at all times
(9) Touch
A few years back, do-it-yourself checkout at US grocery stores was in vogue—but not these days. There’s been a noticeable decline in the usage of the self-serve lanes—down to just 16 percent of all supermarket transactions from a high of 22 percent 3 years ago.
Why? It appears that people enjoy their shopping experience much more when they can have a living, breathing human cashier assist them. Using a price-scanning machine themselves just doesn’t cut it. One shopper said, “[Having a cashier is] just more interactive. You get someone who says hello; you get a person to talk to if there’s a problem.”
Jesus showed that human touch is vital as He ministered on earth. When He was healing people, He would often physically touch them. For example, there was the leper and a woman with a fever in Matthew 8, the woman with the bleeding issue and the two blind men in Matthew 9, the deaf man in Mark 7, and the man with swollen limbs in Luke 14.
Touch is a valuable tool in growing a friendship, yet it is often overlooked. Touch is important in that it creates a bond between you and your friend. A good way to use touch is to put your hand on a friend's shoulder in support or giving your friend a hug in greeting. However, be sure you are appropriate in your touching and that you don't make a person feel uncomfortable by entering their personal space too soon in your friendship.
Luke 22:51 But Jesus answered,
“No more of this!” And he touched the man’s ear and healed him.
Luke 22:50-52
(in Context) Luke 22
(Whole Chapter)
(10) Share Your Feelings
Most of us have some degree of trouble admitting our true feelings and being able to express them, especially if we are struggling with life-controlling problems. But throughout the Bible, God encourages us to know our feelings and not keep them hidden inside. Jesus set an example for us: He had emotions and he expressed them. He cried. He got angry. He was sad.
We often hide the way we feel behind a defense to keep our real self from showing through. Inside we may feel fearful or angry or sad, but we hide those feelings by joking … or acting superior … or being silent … or employing some other defense. We may try to cover our sadness with laughter, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.
Hiding our feelings can give them control over our lives. Unexpressed anger or fear or guilt can have a destructive influence on everything we do. Hidden shame and sadness are roadblocks to hope and healing.
Consider this …
If you have been hiding your true feelings, has your "cover-up" helped? Or have you learned first-hand that when the laughter ends, the grief remains? Admitting your feelings can be a turning point. Be honest with yourself. And with God. And then with a friend. Being real will open the door for healing.
Opening yourself up to another person is a part of growing your friendship. Learn to share how you feel, even if you think it will cause some confrontation. Friends need to be able to share their feelings without judgment. If you are not able to share your feelings with your friend, then you will keep the friendship from growing into a great relationship.
John 4:6-8
6 Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon. 7 When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” 8 (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)
Ending = devotion Psalm 34:10,11 I walked into the men’s restroom at the mall a few days ago and something on the floor caught my eye. What looked like a large piece of lint, turned out to be a ladybug. I watched this little insect scurry across the tile floor and smiled. The tiles on the floor are about twelve inches across and twelve inches high and it took the ladybug a minute to walk across one. Seeing this ladybug trek across the tile floor made me think of our Christian walk. I can walk across the restroom floor in about twenty paces, but it may very well take the ladybug an hour to cross it. The same can be said for our Christian walk, we all learn, grow, and live at different paces. My friend might be three steps ahead of me and another friend might be five steps behind me, but we are all on the same path with the same goal, Heaven. We all want the same thing, Salvation. A lesson that I am learning now, you might have learned years ago, but it is still a lesson, that God’s love is everlasting. We all fall down during our walk, but it does not matter that we fall, it just matters that we get back up. We meet all kinds of people during our walk, some we make our friends, some we do not, as some people are walking the opposite direction we are. A lot of things try to stop our journey and turn us around, namely the enemy. The hardest part of the walk may be going against the grain. But knowing what is waiting on the other side, knowing who is waiting to bring me home, knowing that there will be no more sorrow, I can’t help but do what I do. So even if I’m just like a tiny ladybug on a floor which seems to go on for endless miles, I’m gonna keep on crawling.