Healthy Families

Pastor Rod Thompson

Midland SDA Church

March 9, 2019

The popular thinking of today is that good marriages are discovered – that somehow you meet the right person and it’s like planting a tree seedling.  At first you water it and weed around it, you might even stake it – so that it will grow straight, but after a year or two, the tree just grows.  Occasionally, you might want to keep watering it if you live in a particularly dry climate, but for the most part, you can ignore it and yet you still expect it to grow.

That’s how most couples live.  They talk about their past when they first met, got engaged, go through premarital counseling (sometimes), but after the wedding, the marriage is supposed to “finish itself” just by the fact that it exists.

But friends, that is not an accurate expectation of marriage.

Intimate marriage is more like building a brick house.  If you get started, lay a few bricks, and then stop building, the house is not going to finish itself

In fact, the reality is worse:  an unfinished house, left out in the weather, deteriorates. 

The same is true in a marriage

In an article on the mutual obligations of husbands and wives written in the Review and Herald (December 10, 1908) it says this, “However carefully and wisely marriage may have been entered into, few couples are completely united when the marriage ceremony is performed. The real union of the two in wedlock is the work of the after-years.”

 A Lifelong love P142  Gary Thomas

“If we aren’t dedicated to saying, “I do” every day after the wedding, then, relationally speaking, that’s a day lost.”

Story of woman I was talking too – 40 years experience or 1 year 40 times

The same thing can be true in a marriage.  Imagine the couple who signed their marriage certificate 25 years ago.  But in reality, they may have only about 6 months’ worth of work that they have done in their marriage.  They quit moving toward each other a long time ago.   

Long term marital intimacy requires accepting this truth -  to stop giving yourself to your spouse is to spiritually divorce them.

Marriage intimacy isn’t easy, it doesn’t just grow on its own. 

In Matthew 19 it tells us that the Pharisees came to Jesus to test Him, and they ask Him if its ok for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason

Read Matthew 19: 4-6

So they say, “why then did Moses give permission for us to divorce?  And Jesus essentially says, because of the hardness of your heart, but that was not God’s intent.

So the disciples say (look at verse 10) “It’s better not to marry.”   And Jesus gives some justification for this kind of thinking

But then you have this rich young ruler who comes and asks Jesus what he must do to be saved and Jesus answers him.  He essentially says forsake everything else and follow me.  In other words, put God first. 

And then Jesus turns to His disciples and He tells them it’s hard for a rich man to enter heaven.  He even goes as far as to say it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into heaven.

The disciples are blown away, so they come to Him later and they say, “Who then can be saved?” 

Notice what Jesus says in Matthew 19: 26   “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

In the direct context Jesus is speaking about who can be saved.  Of course, we know that without God, without faith in Jesus Christ, it is impossible. 

Acts 4:12    Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.

But I think we could also apply this principle to marriage.  Marriage is not easy.  In fact, I will go as far as to say, “I think it is impossible without God.

Now I know that there are people in the world that have been married for many, many, years that don’t have a relationship with God. 

But think about this for a minute.  Turn to John 16

Jesus was telling His disciple that He was going away and they wouldn’t see Him anymore.  Of course, they were upset, but He told them,

John 16:7   “it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you. 

Jesus says, you need the Holy Spirit – He is going to help you

Read John 16:8-11

Have you ever been studying the bible with someone and they say – “But I’m a good person?”  I love to have people tell me that, because then I point them to this passage.  And I tell them the reason they’re as good as they are is because the Holy Spirit is in the world and He is convicting them and leading them to do what is right. 

The same is true in marriage.  The Holy Spirit is in the world and yes there are marriages that have somehow survived without the couple having a relationship with God.  But I say, only by the grace of God and the work of the Holy Spirit.

But it is so much easier with God in your life.  Amen!  And why is that?  Because we have an enemy

Adventist Home P 106

Satan is ever ready to take advantage when any matter of variance arises, and by moving upon the objectionable, hereditary traits of character in husband or wife, he will try to cause the alienation of those who have united their interests in a solemn covenant before God. In the marriage vows they have promised to be as one, the wife covenanting to love and obey her husband, the husband promising to love and cherish his wife. If the law of God is obeyed, the demon of strife will be kept out of the family, and no separation of interests will take place, no alienation of affection will be permitted. 

Notice                  “If the law of God is obeyed, the demon of strife will be kept out of the family.”

Our character is flawed.  It is corrupted.

Jesus said, in Matthew 26:41          The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is week

And the devil is ever ready, the demon of strife is on red alert, always watching and waiting for opportunity to jump in and bring conflict into your marriage. 

In their book Managing Intercultural Conflict Effectively John Oetzel and Stella Ting-Toomey, argue that some conflicts can be resolved, but there are perpetual issues in marriage and family that are never really resolved. 

In fact, John Gottman, in his book The seven principles of making marriage work, found that most marital conflicts are never completely resolved (because of our carnal nature) but need to be managed. 

So what does the bible have to say about conflict management

Read Ephesians 4: 25-29

Within this passage we can see support for being assertive.   Paul tells us that when there is conflict we should

speak truthfully about it (He says put away lying or falsehood). 

The implication is that we are not to withdraw.  (He says don’t let the sun go down on your anger)

Or become aggressive (be angry but do not sin)

Let no evil talk come out of your mouth

These verses also point toward cooperation as the ideal for Christians

If there is anything that should be characteristic of the body of Christ, it is a spirit of cooperation and collaboration. 

The text (Eph 4: 25-29)  lends support to a direct style that stresses both assertiveness and cooperation while at the same time shows concern for

Self

The other person

The relationship

Social science argues that there are different ways that people deal with conflict. 

In their book, The Family: A Christian Perspective on the contemporary home, Jack and Judy Balswick, contend that there are different styles of conflict management and they determined that the situation may dictate which style you use. 

I would like to share with you five of these styles and how Jesus used them.

The 5 styles are Withdrawers, Yielders, Winners, resolvers, and Compromisers

Withdrawers – When we think of someone who withdraws, we often think of them in perhaps a negative way.  We think of them as someone who avoids confrontation. 

But there may be times when family members need to withdraw from conflict in order to think more clearly about the issue.  Sometimes emotions run so high that a resolution is impossible. 

At other times, trivial conflicts need to be set aside for the sake of more pressing issues.  But I want you to notice that this is not avoidance. 

Avoidance can be destructive, so the person who withdraws for a time needs to be accountable and promise to come back at some point and deal with the conflict.

Although avoidance was not the usual style of Jesus, He did withdraw when necessary

Read Matthew 12: 14

Jesus could have confronted them further as he had done on other occasions.  But instead, when He became aware of their plotting verse 15 says, that He withdrew from there.

The second style of conflict management is called yielding.  This is what happens when you give way to another person’s position.

Yielding may be appropriate when an issue is far more important to one family member than to the others or when it threatens a relationship. 

Yielding can also be a self-giving act of putting another person’s wishes ahead of one’s own. 

Jesus displayed the yielding style of conflict management when He allowed Himself to be arrested, falsely convicted and crucified.  (Matthew 26: 50-53)

But yielding can also be destructive when yielding is motivated by a desire to show one’s self as self-sacrificing – this can be manipulative.  Yielding may not necessarily be in the best interest of the other person.  Like when a parent yields to a child’s demand for candy or staying up late.

Winners – there may be times when withdrawing or yielding would be detrimental to family cohesion.  There is also a danger in using this method of conflict management.  Have you ever heard the phrase, they won the battle, but lost the war? 

There may be times when a husband and wife or family members disagree on the basis of their principles and assume that the family is strong enough to survive the competition.  But the danger is that the real issue can get lost in the battle over principles.

Jesus adopted the approach of a winner in Matthew 21:12-13 when He entered the temple and drove out the money changers, and those who where buying and selling.  In this situation there was no withdrawing or yielding.  Instead He acted authoritatively and decisively.  Matthew makes it clear, He did this because the law of God was being violated.

Resolvers – Since family relationships are long-term commitments, most conflicts can best be dealt with through collaboration (Problem solving).  The advantage of this style is that it offers maximum satisfaction to everyone.  The disadvantage is that collaboration takes a lot of time, effort, and emotional energy. 

During His earthly ministry, Jesus elicited strong reactions.  Toward those who reacted against Him, such as scribes and Pharisees, Jesus assumed a confrontational style.  But, toward those who reacted positively, He assumed a collaborative style.  This is best seen in His long-term commitment to His disciples. 

This may be best seen in how He dealt with Peter after his denial.  Jesus sat down with him and asked him, “Do you love me?”  He did this three times so that he could gently restore Peter to his rightful place as an Apostle. 

Compromisers – Compromise can be the best way to handle conflict when there is inadequate time to work out a collaborative effort.  However, we need to be careful – when used too often, compromise can become just an easy way out, leaving family members dissatisfied. 

We tend not to see Jesus as a compromiser.  Yet when the Pharisees sought to trap Him by asking if it was right to pay taxes to Caesar, Jesus replied

Matthew 22:21              Render therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.

Some family conflicts can be best handled by compromise but others cannot.  If you want to live in the city, but your spouse wants to live in the country.  Compromise is going to leave someone feeling empty or unhappy.

Each one of the 5 styles of handling conflict will prove, at times, to be the most appropriate.  But it is imperative, that family members not get locked into any one particular style and thus lose their flexibility and capacity for finding creative solutions.  The challenge is to expand your horizon’s and determine which method works best for any given situation.

Healthy families have the combined strengths of flexibility and structure, separateness and connectedness, as well as open and clear channels of communication that permit them to alter their approach to fit the situation.

The Adventist Home P105

To gain a proper understanding of the marriage relation is the work of a lifetime. Those who marry enter a school from which they are never in this life to be graduated. 

But along the way we can have a healthy family.  How?

By showing concern for

Self

The other person

The relationship